Communicating Your Desires to Your Partner

Talking about your desires with a partner can feel vulnerable, especially if it’s new territory. Clear, honest communication is the foundation of healthy intimacy, whether you’re bringing up something emotional, romantic, or sexual.

In this guide, we’ll talk about how to start a conversation about your needs and desires. We’ve got practical, inclusive tips to help you express yourself and understand your partner in return.

Let’s Talk Sex, Baby: Understanding Your Desires

Before initiating a conversation with your partner, the first important step is to get to know yourself a little bit better. Take some time to reflect on your own needs and feelings.

Sex can be an intimidating subject, especially if it’s something you have yet to explore. That’s why self-reflection is key. Consider what brings you joy, pleasure, and satisfaction, whether physically or emotionally. You can even try writing down your thoughts. Make a list of what you might want to try with your partner so you have a clearer idea of what you can bring up. 

As human beings, desires evolve over time, and that’s completely normal. Understanding what you want right now, though, can elevate your relationship with yourself and your partner in the meantime.

It’s Okay to Feel Nervous

Bringing up new desires can feel scary—and that’s okay. You don’t have to be perfectly confident to speak up. Starting that conversation is still progress. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is part of building trust.

Creating a Safe Space

Choosing the right time is important for a clear discussion. We don’t recommend winging it during sex. 

• Timing Matters: A relaxed, distraction-free environment can help for a productive talk.
• Avoid High-Stress Moments: Don’t initiate these conversations during arguments or stressful times.
• Set the tone: Approach the discussion with openness and without pressure.

The most important thing is that you both feel safe and not pressured.

Be Intentional (But You Can Be Low-Key)

Talking about what you want to do in the bedroom doesn’t need to be a “serious talk” vibe. You can try a casual, “Hey, can I tell you something I’ve been thinking about?”

Keep your tone light and open. Let your partner know there’s no pressure to respond right away.

How To Say It: Effective Communication Techniques

Expressing your desires clearly and respectfully will make for a more enjoyable outcome. Clearly articulate what you desire and why it matters to you.

Use “I” Statements

Take ownership of your wants and needs. You can start with, “I’d love to try…” or “I’ve been curious about…” Put some intention into it. Stay focused on sharing what you’re thinking of exploring, not demanding. Avoid blaming or phrasing that sounds like criticism.

Start with Curiosity

Turn communication into connection. Instead of drawing a straight line, try opening a door to a new realm you can both explore. A subtle, “How would you feel about trying…?” is one way to do it.

It’s also important to invite feedback from your partner. Ask them if they’re open to it. And of course, be okay with a no.

Listening Matters, Too: Active Listening

Listening is as crucial as speaking when discussing desires (Source).

• Show Empathy: Acknowledge your partner’s feelings and perspectives.
• Ask Questions: Clarify any uncertainties to ensure there’s mutual understanding.
• Be Patient: Give your partner time to process and respond to the conversation. Avoid pushing for a reaction.

Some people need time to think before responding. It’s okay to check in later and revisit the topic. 

Honor Each Other’s Boundaries

Desire goes both ways. Not all desires will align, and that’s 100% okay and normal. Mutual respect builds deeper intimacy. If something is a no, thank them for being honest. Sex is always evolving, so we guarantee there’s always something you may both want to try.

Navigating Reactions

If you’re the one initiating the conversation, prepare for various responses and handle them with care.

• Stay Calm: Maintain composure, even if your partner’s reaction isn’t what you were hoping for.
• Respect Boundaries: Understand and honor your partner’s comfort levels.
• Seek Compromise: Work together to find mutually satisfying solutions.

Helpful Phrases to Try: Short and Simple Starters

• “I’ve been thinking about something I want to share with you.”
• “Would you be open to hearing something I’d like to try?
• “I’d love your thoughts on this…”

When You’re Unsure

• “This feels a little awkward for me to bring up, but I trust you.”
• “I’m not totally sure what I want yet. Can we explore this together?”
• “This might be a little outside the norm, but I’m curious.”

If you’re Receiving Feedback

• “Thank you for telling me. That means a lot.”
• “I appreciate you being honest.”
• “There’s no pressure. Let’s figure this out together.”

Exploring Together

Learning about each other’s desires can be a wonderful shared experience that builds your relationship. It’s important to ease into new territory with mutual curiosity and consent. There’s no need to rush into things. Take it slow, and feel it together.

You can even use your resources. Read advice guides, listen to podcasts, or watch educational videos together. Sex is a whole world to explore. And approaching that world as a way to connect, and not as a goal to achieve, can make your time together more fun (Source).

Keeping the Dialogue Open

The first conversation should not be the last. As your relationship evolves, it’s important to keep an open conversation.

• Regularly check in with your partner. Periodically revisit the topic to address any changes or new desires.
• Celebrate your progress. Trying new things can be intimidating. Acknowledge and appreciate the efforts made by both partners.
• Adapt as a couple. Be willing to adjust and grow as a couple. Having that mindset can help your relationship continue to flourish.

Final Thoughts

Talking about your desires isn’t always easy, but it’s one of the most powerful ways to build trust, intimacy, and connection with your partner. With patience, respect, and ongoing curiosity, you can nurture a relationship where you both feel heard, valued, and free to grow together. 

Communicating Your Desires to Your Partner: FAQs

How do I deal with rejection when communicating my desires?

Rejection can be difficult, but it’s important to respect your partner’s boundaries. Use it as an opportunity to understand each other and explore alternative ways to connect.

What if I’m afraid they’ll judge me?

It’s natural to fear judgment, but expressing your desires is a step toward deeper intimacy and really getting to know each other. It’s best to approach the conversation with honesty and vulnerability.

Is it okay to talk about sex via text?

Face-to-face conversations are ideal, especially when talking about boundaries and safety in bed. However, we understand that starting the dialogue through text can be a comfortable first step.

Just make sure to follow up with an in-person discussion when possible, so nothing gets lost in the mix.

What if I don’t know what I want?

It’s okay to be uncertain. You don’t need to have it all figured out. Express curiosity instead. Something like, “I’d like to explore this with you,” is a powerful invitation.

You and your partner can even do research and make it a fun activity during sexy time.

Can I bring this up even if we’ve been together for years?

100%, yes. Desires evolve, and so do relationships. Whether you’ve been together for a month or a decade, communication will strengthen that bond. Long-term couples often benefit from revisiting their intimacy needs.