Safer Sex: A Queer-Inclusive Guide

Safety is Sexy

What is “Safer Sex?”

Sex is one of life’s greatest pleasures, but the hard truth is that all sexual contact comes with risk. Fortunately, there are ways to reduce that risk and enjoy safer sex. Let’s explore fundamentals of safer sex, including information about sexually transmitted infections, pregnancy, condoms, and safer sex tips for different types of sexual contact.

Consent is the Sexiest

A key part of safer sex is communication and consent. But what is consent, exactly? It’s an ongoing mutual agreement between partners about what they do or don’t want to experience. Here are a few important guidelines about consent [2]:

Your relationship status is not the same as consent: Even if you’re in an established relationship, nobody is obligated to give consent, even if they’ve done so in the past.

There’s no such thing as implied consent: It’s only consent when all parties, voluntarily, explicitly, and enthusiastically agree.

Consent should happen every time: Consent is a process that should happen on an ongoing basis, not a broad approval based on a past conversation or behavior.

It’s not consent if you’re afraid, being pressured, manipulated, threatened, or unable to give consent: If you or your partner are asleep, unconscious, or under the influence of substances, consent cannot be given.

Nonconsent means stop: If anyone involved doesn’t freely consent, pump the brakes immediately.

Communication & Resources

Talking about consent is a healthy part of any relationship or sexual encounter. Ask simple, direct questions like, “Can I [fill in the blank]?” or “Do you want me to [fill in the blank]?” and wait for a clear answer before proceeding. Never pressure your partner to do anything they’re not enthusiastic about. If you feel pressured, it may be a sign of an unhealthy relationship. 

If you’re in immediate danger, call 911. Otherwise, the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) has a 24-hour, 7-days-a-week line you can reach out to for support.

Wrap It Up: All About Condoms

About Sexually Transmitted Infections

When you’re up close and personal with another person’s body, it’s possible to transfer infection. Sexually transmitted infections (STIs—also known as sexually transmitted diseases or STDs) can be caused by bacteria, viruses, or parasites and spread through sexual contact, including vaginal, anal, and oral sex. No one, regardless of their gender identity or sexuality, is immune to sexually transmitted infections.

How do I Know if I Have an STI?

Some common symptoms that you may have an STI include:

• Unusual or odorous discharge
• Pain while peeing
• Lumps or skin growths around your genitals or anus
• Rashes
• Unusual vaginal bleeding
• Itchy genitals or anus
• Blisters, sores, or warts in intimate areas
• Warts in your mouth or throat
• Lower abdominal pain
• Sore, swollen lymph nodes in the groin or elsewhere in the body
• Fever
• Pain during sex

Symptoms vary according to specific STIs, and some STIs have no symptoms at all [1]. The only way to know for sure if you have an STI is to be tested. Go to a testing center if you think you or your partner may have an STI, or if you are sexually active and think you may have been exposed to an STI. Get tested before you start having sex with a new partner.

STI Risk Factors

Some factors that may increase risk of getting an STI include having unprotected sex (sex without a condom), sexual contact with multiple partners, forced sexual activity, and substance use. 

Now that we know about the risk factors, let’s talk about how to protect yourself and your sexual partner(s).

Wrap It Up: All About Condoms

Do Condoms Prevent STDs?

Condoms are thin barriers between bodies, made out of latex or other materials; and yes, when used properly, condoms are highly effective at preventing the spread of HIV, other sexually transmitted diseases, and pregnancy. It is important to note that the only 100% effective way to prevent STIs and pregnancy is through abstinence (and that’s no fun!). 

The good news is that condoms are easy to use, affordable, and come in tons of different styles and textures. Condoms get bonus points for delaying ejaculation, resulting in longer-lasting sex!

Pregnancy Prevention

Pregnancy can occur when one partner has the ability to produce sperm and the other partner has an ovary, where eggs are produced, and a uterus, where sperm meets the egg. The potential for pregnancy is based on anatomy, regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation. According to healthline, people assigned female at birth who are taking hormone replacement may still be able to get pregnant, and people assigned male at birth who are taking hormone replacement may still be able to get partners with a uterus pregnant. [3]

If you use a condom perfectly every single time you have sex, they’re 98% effective at pregnancy prevention. Accounting for human error, they’re about 87% effective. Using condoms with other forms of birth control can give you extra protection against unplanned pregnancy. [4]

Types of Condoms: 

External Condoms (Also called male condoms): External condoms are a thin latex sheath that rolls on over the erect penis, from the tip all the way down the shaft. You should put a condom on BEFORE having any skin to skin genital contact.

Internal Condoms (Also called female condoms): This type of condom goes inside the vagina or anus from protection from STIs. Though they are called “female” condoms, people of any gender can use them for vaginal or anal sex. They are nitrile pouches that cover the inside of the orifice to create a barrier that reduces the wearer’s risk of both STIs and pregnancy.

Some Tips for Using Condoms

• Wear it the whole time, from start to finish.
• Do not use both a male (worn on the penis) and a female condom at the same time.
• Check the expiration date.
• Open condoms carefully so you don’t damage them—don’t use your teeth or scissors.
• If you accidentally put a condom on inside out, do not flip it around and use it. Get a new one instead.
• Use water-based or silicone lube with latex condoms. Do not use oil-based lubricants, which can damage the condom.

When to Use Condoms

You can use a condom for protection during vaginal, anal, or oral sex. You can also put a condom on a sex toy if you plan on sharing the toy with a partner. It’s a simple and effective way to maintain good hygiene during sex. 

The germs that cause STIs can camp out on a dildo or vibrator and be transferred between sexual partners, so put a new condom on your toy any time you move between partners or orifices. 

Anal Safety

How to Prepare for Anal

Because the anus is lined with tons of super-sensitive nerve endings, anal sex can be intensely pleasurable for anyone with a butt! So, how do you prepare for a safe and comfortable experience? Let’s get into it.

Clean Up: Before the act, shower and clean the area with water and a gentle washcloth. Some people like to perform a water or saline enema before anal sex, but this is unnecessary and may cause irritation.

Lube is a Must: During penetrative anal play, lube is a non-negotiable. Not only does it make anal sex more pleasurable and comfortable, it can help prevent tears in the delicate tissue that could allow infection-causing pathogens to enter.

Only use Anal-Safe Toys: Anal toys must have a flared base so that the toy doesn’t get lost inside you. Without a flared base or a reinforced removal string, the wrong toy can lead to an emergency situation.

Use a Condom: Use a condom to reduce the risk of sexually transmitted infections. The anus is home to bacteria like E. coli, which can cause issues for other orifices like the vagina or mouth. So, roll on a new condom before anal sex and/or before switching orifices.

Oral Safety

What Is Oral Sex?

“Oral sex” refers to putting the lips, mouth, or tongue on their partner’s genitals or anus. It’s a common practice for people of all genders and sexual orientations, and can be either foreplay or the main event. 

Types of Oral Sex

Fellatio: Pleasuring the penis with the mouth, lips, and tongue.

Cunnilungus: Sexual contact between the mouth and the vagina.

Anilingus: Sexual contact between the mouth and the anus, also called rimming.

Can You Get an STI From Oral Sex?

Yes, some STI’s, including gonorrhea and herpes, can be spread through oral sex. Generally, it’s much less likely to pass or get an STI from oral sex than from other types of sex. [5]

To lower your risk of getting an STI from oral sex, make sure you and your partner(s) get tested. You can also use condoms during oral sex. Flavored condoms can make the act even more stimulating!

Sex Toy Safety

How to Safely Use Sex Toys

The right sex toy can enhance pleasure for anyone. Whether you’re shopping for a strap-on dildo, a p-spot stimulator, or a clitoral suction toy, here are some tips for safely using your toys:

Choose The Right Toy

Be sure to pick the right toy for your activity. For example, anal toys should always have a flared base to prevent them from going too far inside your body.

Use the Right Size

If a toy causes pain or discomfort, it may be too big. Start slow with smaller toys to ensure a good experience, and if a toy causes pain, stop using it immediately.

How to Clean Sex Toys

Clean your toys before and after play to prevent the spread of bacteria. You can typically wash toys with mild soap and warm water, or use a sex toy cleaner. Some toys can even be cleaned in the dishwasher. Check your toy’s detailed cleaning instructions to make sure you’re cleaning it the right way. 

Use a Condom

If you share sex toys with a partner, a great way to prevent the spread of STIs is by using a new condom before switching between bodies.

Lube Up

Lubricant can enhance almost any situation, including playing with toys. Just be sure that your chosen lube is compatible with your sex toy’s material. For example, silicone toys should not be used with silicone lube, as it can degrade the toy and create pockets where bacteria can grow. To be on the safe side, choose a water-based lubricant, which will be compatible with any toy.

Sources

[1]https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/sexually-transmitted-diseases-stds/symptoms-causes/syc-20351240

[2]https://www.thehotline.org/resources/consent/

[3]https://www.healthline.com/health/lgbtqia-safe-sex-guide#pregnancy-and-st-is

[4]https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/condom/how-effective-are-condoms

[5]https://www.ashasexualhealth.org/oral-sex-stis/